Lisa, a 32-year-old, writes in to share her struggles with her boyfriend’s lack of sexual attentiveness. Despite being a fantastic partner in other areas—he’s kind, funny, and financially stable—he falls short in the bedroom. Lisa notes he doesn’t engage in foreplay and focuses solely on penetration, leaving her feeling unsatisfied and frustrated.
Dear Sally,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four and a half years, and we have a great relationship outside of the bedroom. His family loves me, we live together, and we’ve discussed our future, including marriage and kids. However, he’s quite selfish when it comes to sex.
He doesn’t initiate foreplay and seems uninterested unless it’s about penetration. Right from the start, he hasn’t been able to satisfy me sexually. It always feels like a race to orgasm, and he always ‘wins’ while I’m left frustrated. Once he’s done, he loses all interest, and I’m left to finish by myself. This issue has been growing, and I feel increasingly used.
He enjoys oral sex when I perform it on him and even requests it sometimes, but he’s only reciprocated twice briefly. Whenever I suggest it, he claims he’s too tired. I’m worried that my chances of starting a family will disappear if I leave him because of this. I’ve tried talking to him before, but it led to arguments, and I’ve struggled to bring it up again. I’m torn because while he’s wonderful in other aspects, this issue is causing me significant distress.
Lisa, 32, Manchester
Dear Lisa,
Your situation reminds me of a character from the movie Don Jon, who learns the wrong lessons about sex from watching too much porn. Unfortunately, many men end up with a skewed perception of sexual satisfaction because of this. It’s crucial to address this issue now, as it won’t resolve itself and isn’t a good foundation for marriage.
Although your boyfriend is kind and caring outside the bedroom, it’s odd that he changes so drastically during sex. It might be that he’s not selfish but insecure and lacks confidence in his sexual skills. His sexual experiences might have been limited, and he could be relying on what he’s seen in porn.
You’ve been pretending to be happier with your sex life than you are for years, and it’s time to address that. Have a candid conversation with him outside the bedroom. Express your love and your desire to improve your sexual connection. Present it as a journey you can embark on together to ensure a happy, fulfilling relationship.
If you’re uncertain about having this conversation directly, consider starting with a letter and follow it up face-to-face. It could also help to see a sex therapist who can guide you both in improving your sex life. Your boyfriend might resist initially, but if you keep going and invite him, his curiosity might get the better of him.
Seeing a sex therapist could help him build confidence and understand your needs better. However, if he rejects the idea of change, be honest about your unhappiness. You deserve a satisfying sex life and a happy future, so it’s important to make this happen.
Don’t let concerns about your biological clock force you to settle. You don’t have to choose between having children and a fulfilling sex life—you can have both if you’re brave enough to address these issues head-on.
Sally Brown
