If the Fifty Shades Trilogy kept you hooked, you’re definitely not alone. We’ve teamed up with BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist Sarah Berry to help you turn those thrilling fantasies into reality with our beginner’s guide to BDSM.
Let’s be honest, many of us like to think we’re open-minded when it comes to sex, yet often stick to a familiar routine. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with this, sometimes we suppress our deeper sexual urges to fit in. But what’s the point of that?
Sex has always been evolving. Back in the 19th century, it was normal for people to have sex fully clothed, with special garments allowing for intercourse. Anything beyond missionary position was frowned upon, and oral or anal sex were strictly taboo. Nowadays, these acts are considered part of regular, “vanilla” sex, while those interested in rough sex, kinks, and fetishes are seen as unconventional. Are we missing out?
If you’ve ever imagined spicing up your sex life with something new like BDSM but didn’t know where to start, we’ve got expert advice to guide you. As Madame Caramel explains, BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. For her, it’s unimaginable to have a relationship without it; she and her partner blend all these elements, with her being the dominant and her partner the submissive.
Bondage and discipline involve acts where the submissive is trained and restrained—small touches of which might already be present in your intimate life, like covering your partner’s eyes or pinning their hands. Restraints can range from simple handcuffs to more elaborate setups like ceiling hooks. Discipline emphasizes behavior modification, using punishments like spanking or psychological reprimands to adjust the submissive’s behavior.
In a BDSM relationship, there’s always a Dominant and a submissive. The Dominant, whether male or female, leads, while the submissive relinquishes control. Sadism and masochism involve the pleasure received through pain. While these elements might occur together in a BDSM dynamic, they’re all about pain, not necessarily about control.
As you explore BDSM, consider experimenting with roles. Sarah Berry suggests you might identify with being dominant, submissive, or even switch roles depending on the moment. Some people may be dominant in daily life but prefer to be submissive in the bedroom, and vice versa. Experimentation is the key to discovering what you enjoy, perhaps switching roles or combining them during a session.
BDSM offers couples a chance to explore fantasies in a safe, trusting environment, benefiting both your mental well-being and relationship. However, Sarah warns that adding elements to your sex life doesn’t automatically lead to happiness—it’s important that both partners are on the same page.
Communicating your desires with a partner can be daunting. You may worry about their reaction or fear causing conflict, but healthy relationships require open communication. Madame Caramel encourages discussing your desires and exploring fantasies without fear.
If words are hard, start with non-verbal cues, like a teasing note or a suggestive movie. Sarah suggests discussing fantasies and suggesting small things to try. Begin small; you can always build on it later. The goal is mutual excitement, not pressure or discomfort.
If you’re both interested, start simple. Sarah notes that kink doesn’t require expensive gear or extreme acts; you might already have BDSM elements in your encounters. Think of using what’s available at home—holding wrists, using everyday items as props, or tying each other up with a robe belt.
In BDSM, appearance can enhance the experience. Consider wearing latex or leather to get into character. Blindfolds can add suspense, while gag balls encourage non-verbal communication. Handcuffs, chokers, paddles, and whips can introduce thrills to your experience, gradually exploring various sensations and roles.
By understanding BDSM basics and experimenting safely, you can enhance your sex life and, most importantly, have fun.
