If you couldn’t get enough of the Fifty Shades Trilogy, you’re not alone. To help you explore your fantasies, we’ve teamed up with BDSM expert Madame Caramel and sex therapist Sarah Berry to offer a beginner’s guide to BDSM.
Let’s admit it – even those of us who consider ourselves open-minded might stick to conventional ideas when it comes to sex. While there’s nothing wrong with that, we sometimes ignore our deepest desires to conform. But what are we missing out on by doing this?
Sex is constantly evolving. Back in the 19th century, people often had sex fully clothed with special openings sewn into their attire for intercourse. Acts like oral sex and anything beyond the missionary position were taboo. Today, these have become part of everyday sex, while rough sex and kinks now seem to break the norm. Maybe we’re overlooking something exciting?
If you’ve ever fantasized about spicing up your sex life with something like BDSM and don’t know where to start, Madame Caramel and Sarah Berry are here to guide you. BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. For Madame Caramel, as a future wife, BDSM is a fundamental part of her relationship, where she is the dominant and her partner is the submissive.
In BDSM, bondage and discipline involve training and restraining the submissive partner. Many of these acts are present in mild forms in everyday sex—like covering your partner’s eyes or holding their hands. More advanced restraints include techniques like Shibari or using handcuffs. Discipline is about behavior correction with punishments that can be physical or psychological, like spanking or erotic humiliation.
A BDSM relationship involves a dominant and a submissive. The dominant—called Dom or Domme—controls the submissive partner, known as the sub. The difference between dominance/submission and sadism/masochism is that the former is about control, while the latter involves giving and receiving pain. Both can coexist in BDSM, but pain isn’t always necessary in a dominant/submissive dynamic.
To discover what role suits you, experimenting is key. Some people in dominant roles at work may prefer being submissive in the bedroom and vice versa. Others might enjoy switching roles during or between sessions. It’s about finding what works best for both you and your partner. Madame Caramel suggests exploring the side of yourself that excites you.
BDSM can be a way to explore your fantasies in a safe, trusting environment, which can benefit both your mental health and relationship. However, it’s crucial that both partners want to engage in it. Good communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, especially when introducing new elements like BDSM. Madame Caramel emphasizes the importance of open discussions to understand each other’s desires and explore fantasies without fear.
When it comes to starting, it’s about what you both enjoy, regardless of whether it involves fancy outfits or implements. You might already have a bit of BDSM in your habits without realizing. It’s wise to establish a safe word, as the nature of the roles might have you saying “no” when you actually mean “yes.”
For experimenting, use items you already have, like tying with your dressing gown cord or using a brush as a spanker. Dressing the part can also help embody the role, and having a safe environment is crucial for exploring these fantasies.
Remember, BDSM should be an exciting endeavor for both partners, with no pressure involved. If you’re both on the same wavelength, start small with what you have and gradually add more as you become comfortable. The most important thing is to have fun and communicate openly about your needs and boundaries.
Madame Caramel is a noted UK Mistress and BDSM educator, while Sarah Berry is a sex and relationship therapist and member of professional therapeutic organizations. Enjoy diving into your BDSM exploration and enhancing your sex life.
