In the Ask Sally column, Lisa, 32, shares that her boyfriend doesn’t satisfy her sexually. He’s kind, funny, and financially stable, but he’s selfish in bed. Sally Brown offers advice for this tricky situation.

Dear Sally,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for four and a half years, and we live together. His family loves me, and we’ve been talking about a serious future, including marriage and kids. I can’t imagine a better person to spend my life with. He’s intelligent, caring, and has a good job as an accountant, but he’s very selfish in bed.

He never initiates foreplay and only wants to engage in intercourse. Even from the beginning of our relationship, I’ve never felt satisfied. Sex feels like a race to orgasm, and he always finishes first, leaving me frustrated. After he climaxes, he’s done, and I’m left unfulfilled, having to take care of myself once he’s asleep.

He’s okay with me going down on him and even asks for it sometimes, but he’s only returned the favor twice, and for a very short time. When I suggest it, he says he’s too tired.

I’m 32 and worried that if I end this relationship due to these issues, I might miss my chance to start a family. Starting over would mean finding someone new, building a relationship from scratch, and I’m unsure what to do.

Lisa, 32, Manchester

Dear Lisa,

Your situation reminds me of a movie called “Don Jon,” where the main character learns that his view of sex, heavily influenced by porn, isn’t satisfying for his partner. Many men, having learned about sex from porn, miss out on understanding what women need, such as foreplay and mutual satisfaction.

You’re wise to address this now. Your boyfriend’s qualities make him a great partner, but resentment over his sexual selfishness can ruin your relationship. Interestingly, outside the bedroom, he sounds kind and generous, which suggests this isn’t about selfishness but perhaps insecurity.

He might lack confidence in anything beyond basic intercourse, possibly due to limited past relationships or a misconception from watching porn. He may not realize that many women need more than penetrative sex to orgasm.

Over the years, it sounds like you’ve hidden your dissatisfaction to avoid conflict, leading to this buildup of resentment. It’s time to stop pretending and openly discuss your needs.

This conversation won’t be easy, but it’s necessary. Approach it outside the bedroom during a calm moment when talking about your future. Frame it as “our” problem rather than just his to avoid defensiveness. Express your love for him and the desire for both of you to be completely happy, which includes a fulfilling sex life.

This might be an opportunity for a sexual journey together to enhance intimacy. If talking face-to-face feels too hard, start with a letter.

Additionally, consider seeing a sex therapist. If he resists, go alone initially; he may join out of curiosity. Therapy can help you both by starting with non-intimate touch and gradually building to a better sexual connection.

If he’s completely against making any changes, address how unhappy his sexual behavior makes you. If he still refuses to acknowledge the problem or work on it, you’ll need to decide if you want to marry someone unwilling to help improve your shared happiness.

Remember, you deserve a satisfying relationship in every way, and being brave to address it now can lead to the fulfilling sex life and family you want.

Sally Brown is Healthista’s resident therapist and agony aunt.
Registered with the British Association of Counselors and Psychotherapists, Sally helps people make sense of their lives and reach their potential.