In this Ask Sally column, Lisa, a 32-year-old, shares her dilemma about her boyfriend, who, despite being wonderful in many ways, doesn’t satisfy her sexually. She describes him as kind, intelligent, funny, and financially secure, but selfish in bed. He doesn’t initiate foreplay and is only interested in intercourse, making her feel frustrated and neglected.

Lisa has tried talking to him, but he got offended, and now she’s hesitant to bring it up again. She’s worried about leaving the relationship because of her age and desire to start a family. Lisa is stuck wondering what to do because she’s not satisfied with their sex life but loves everything else about him.

Dear Lisa,
Your situation reminds me of the movie Don Jon, where the main character struggles with intimacy due to his unrealistic expectations from watching porn. Many men, like your boyfriend, may lack a proper understanding of women’s needs because porn often skips over the importance of foreplay and mutual satisfaction.

You’re right to address this now since unresolved sexual issues can lead to growing resentment, which isn’t a good foundation for marriage. Although he is kind and generous outside the bedroom, his behavior during sex suggests he might be insecure. He might not know that most women need more than just penetration to orgasm, and his reluctance to engage in other forms of intimacy could stem from fear of inadequacy.

You’ve been pretending to be happier with your sex life than you are, and it’s time for honesty. Have a frank conversation outside of the bedroom, during a moment when you’re discussing your future together. Present it as a shared problem rather than his alone to avoid defensiveness.

Express your love and desire to improve your relationship, including your sex life. Frame it as an exciting journey you can embark on together to become closer and more satisfied. If direct conversation feels too challenging, consider writing a letter to open the dialogue followed by a face-to-face talk.

I also recommend seeking help from a sex therapist. They can guide you both in exploring and enhancing your sexual connection step by step. Your boyfriend might resist initially, but if you start on your own and invite him to join, his curiosity may lead him to participate eventually.

If he completely refuses to change or acknowledge the need for improvement, you must consider the long-term implications. Being honest about your dissatisfaction is crucial. If he remains unwilling to change, you need to decide if you’re willing to stay with someone who won’t address something that’s making you unhappy.

While concerns about your biological clock are valid, don’t rush into decisions. You deserve both children and a fulfilling sex life. Be brave, address the issue head-on, and work towards a solution that brings you happiness in all aspects of your life.