If you couldn’t put down the Fifty Shades Trilogy, you’re not alone. To help you bring those fantasies to life, we got tips from BDSM expert Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist Sarah Berry in our beginner’s guide to BDSM.

Let’s be honest, although many of us consider ourselves open-minded, we often stick to a conventional approach when it comes to sex. There’s nothing wrong with that, but sometimes we suppress our deepest desires just to fit in—what’s the point of that?

Sex has evolved tremendously over time. In the 19th century, people commonly had sex fully clothed, with special holes sewn into their attire for the act. Anything beyond missionary position was taboo, let alone oral or anal sex. Today, these activities are part of typical “vanilla” sex. Those who enjoy rougher, kinkier experiences are now seen as breaking the norm. But are we missing out by sticking to the basics?

If you’ve ever thought about spicing things up with BDSM but didn’t know where to start, we have expert advice from Madame Caramel and Sarah Berry. Madame Caramel notes that BDSM can mean many different things to different people. It stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M). She, as a soon-to-be wife, can’t imagine her relationship without BDSM. In their dynamic, she’s the dominant, and her partner is the submissive.

Bondage and discipline involve acts where the submissive partner is trained and restrained. These acts might already be part of your sex life on a milder level, like covering your partner’s eyes or holding their hands together. Restraint can range from Shibari (a Japanese rope style) to being handcuffed to a bedpost or partner. More advanced restraints include ceiling hooks and bondage cages. Discipline, on the other hand, focuses on correcting the submissive’s behavior through physical or psychological punishments, like spanking or erotic humiliation.

In the BDSM world, there’s always a dominant and a submissive. The dominant partner is in control; males are called Doms, and females, Dommes. Submissives, or subs, are those who relinquish control. People often struggle to define the difference between sadism and masochism compared to dominance and submission. Sadism and masochism involve pain—masochists enjoy receiving it, while sadists enjoy inflicting it. Dominance and submission are about control, not necessarily pain, although both can exist together in BDSM.

Now that we’ve covered the basics, it’s time to discover your role. Sarah suggests sessions can involve being either the dominant or the submissive—or switching roles if you prefer both. The key is to explore what excites you. Some people who are dominant in their professional or social lives enjoy being submissive in the bedroom, and vice versa. It’s all about finding the perfect balance for you and your partner. Madame Caramel encourages exploring whatever role suits you best after choosing what ignites your interest.

The beauty of BDSM is that it lets you and your partner explore a different realm and dive into fantasies in a safe, trusting environment, which can benefit your mental health and relationship. However, Sarah warns that simply adding new elements to your sex life doesn’t guarantee happiness—both partners need to be on the same page.

Bringing up something new to your partner can be daunting, filled with worries about their reaction. But good communication is vital for a successful relationship. Madame Caramel stresses the importance of understanding one another and being open about your desires if you’re interested in BDSM. Don’t be afraid to explore your fantasies together.

If you’re unsure how to bring it up, try non-verbal communication—leave a sexy note or suggestive movie. Sarah recommends asking about your partner’s fantasies and introducing small ideas that interest you. You can always add more later. Remember, BDSM should be a mutual, exciting experience, not a pressure-filled endeavor.

Once you and your partner are on the same wavelength, you don’t need expensive gear to get started. Everyday items can enhance your BDSM experience. Sarah suggests starting with simple actions like pinning down your partner, using toys, or engaging in role-play. Even items lying around your house, like a dressing gown cord or a brush, can be great for experimenting.

Set up a safe word since saying “no” might actually mean “yes” during your play session. Dressing the part can heighten the experience too—consider latex or leather outfits, black-out eye patches to blindfold your partner, or even a gag ball for playful non-verbal communication.

Handcuffs are another exciting addition, allowing for restraint to a fixture like a bedpost. Chokers can signal the mood, especially paired with your evening wear. Paddles and whips provide options for beginners and those with more experience, delivering varying levels of impact for an adventurous session.

Now you’re ready to dive into BDSM, enrich your sex life, and most importantly, have fun.

Sarah Berry is a Sex & Relationship therapist, accredited by the College of Sex & Relationship Therapists (COSRT), and a member of the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (ATSAC) and Pink Therapy. Madame Caramel is a renowned UK-based BDSM educator.