Lisa, a 32-year-old, shares her dilemma with Sally in this week’s advice column. She’s been with her boyfriend for over four years, living together and even contemplating marriage and children. While he is kind, intelligent, and funny, he falls short in the bedroom.

Lisa expresses her frustration with her boyfriend’s lack of interest in foreplay and other forms of sexual intimacy, focusing solely on penetration. This has left her feeling sexually unsatisfied and emotionally neglected. She often finds herself finishing alone after he’s fallen asleep, growing increasingly frustrated and used.

Despite trying to discuss these issues with him before, the conversations have led to arguments, and she’s been unable to bring up the topic again. She acknowledges that outside the bedroom, he’s caring and generous, which adds to her confusion about his behavior during sex.

Lisa is worried about her biological clock and the prospect of starting over if she ends the relationship. She fears losing her chance to have a family due to these intimacy issues.

In her response, Sally reminds Lisa of the importance of addressing this issue now, as it won’t resolve itself and could hinder a happy marriage. She suggests that her boyfriend’s behavior might stem from insecurity rather than selfishness. Perhaps his past experiences or reliance on porn have shaped his flawed approach to sex.

Sally advises Lisa to tackle the conversation with compassion, framing it as a mutual problem rather than placing blame. Discussing it outside the bedroom and presenting it as an opportunity for both of them to improve their intimate life is crucial. She suggests booking sessions with a sex therapist who can guide them through this process, emphasizing that therapy might help build his confidence and expand his understanding of satisfying sex.

However, if her boyfriend is resistant to change or denies the issue, Lisa may need to reconsider the relationship. She deserves both a family and a fulfilling sex life, and it’s essential to be brave and take steps to ensure her happiness.

Sally concludes with encouraging Lisa to balance her immediate concerns with the long-term goal of a satisfying relationship and not compromise on either.