Talking about sex can be awkward, so many couples avoid it. However, discussing it openly can help bring back intimacy in your relationship, says Cate Campbell, author of the Relate Guide to Sex and Intimacy.

If you and your partner struggle to talk about sex or your feelings, you might want to try a simple exercise: Grab a notebook. On one page, write down your requests for your partner, and on the opposite page, have them write their responses, starting with “I will” to show a positive approach. For example, they could say, “I will think about that” or “I will discuss that with you tonight.” This way, you can communicate without making your partner feel rejected.

Make sure you both commit to this process, keeping the notebook in an easily accessible place and checking it daily. Share things you appreciate about each other, even small gestures like “I loved it when you made dinner” or “Thanks for helping me with the kids’ homework.” Positive reinforcement can strengthen your bond.

When discussing concerns, avoid blaming language. Instead of saying “You never call me back,” try “I feel upset when you don’t call back.” This reduces the chances of an argument.

Reminisce about the early days of your relationship. Remembering why you fell for each other can rekindle your connection. Sharing these stories with your kids can also be meaningful. When alone, talk about your early sexual experiences and see if there’s anything you’d like to bring back into your current sex life.

Handling rejection can be tough. Before declining sex, discuss how you both prefer to handle it. For example, a hug and a brief explanation can make refusals less awkward in the future.

Consider how you deal with silence in your relationship. Do you see it as comforting or awkward? Understand each other’s views on silence to avoid misunderstandings. Discuss what silence means to you both, as it can reveal differences in your comfort levels and improve communication.

Choose the right time for important conversations. Plan a discussion for when you both have time and can focus, instead of catching each other off guard. Be direct with your requests to avoid any confusion; say “I would like us to go to my sister’s party on Saturday” rather than dropping hints.

Keep conversations concise—preferably under 20 minutes. Long discussions can be counterproductive. If needed, plan a follow-up talk.

Date nights are crucial for focusing on each other away from daily pressures. Keep expectations realistic and use these nights to relax and enjoy each other’s company. During sex, eliminate distractions by turning off phones and keeping pets out of the room. Have all necessary items like contraceptives or toys within easy reach to avoid mood killers. Post-sex cuddling is important too, as it reinforces the bond you just shared.

Understand that your upbringing influences your views on intimacy and sex. Recognize that neither of you is right or wrong, just different. Discuss these differences to avoid misinterpretations.

Confront gender expectations in your sex life. Talk about how societal roles might be affecting your relationship and find a balance that suits both of you. Don’t assume your partner knows what you want; communicate your needs clearly. It could be as simple as asking for non-sexual favors to become more comfortable with expressing desires.

Explore non-sexual touch to build intimacy. Sensual touch, like gentle caresses or kisses, can be just as satisfying and help you connect deeper. Contrary to the spontaneous sex idea, planning can be more realistic for busy couples. Discuss and schedule intimate times if needed.

Concerned about your body? Communicate these insecurities with your partner. Simple actions like having the lights off or staying partially clothed can help. Be patient and understanding of each other’s needs in this area.

Appreciate small acts of intimacy like a gentle touch or a kiss. These moments are expressions of your feelings and contribute to intimacy just as much as sex does. Enjoy these gestures without the expectation that they must lead to something more.

By fostering open communication and understanding, you can create a more intimate and fulfilling relationship.