In this Ask Sally column, 32-year-old Lisa shares her concern that her boyfriend isn’t satisfying her sexually. While he is kind, funny, and financially stable, he’s quite selfish in bed.

Lisa explains that she has been with her boyfriend for over four years. They live together, get along well with his family, and are seriously thinking about marriage and kids. He’s everything she wants in a partner outside the bedroom, but when it comes to sex, things fall short.

He never initiates foreplay and seems interested only in physical sex. This leaves Lisa feeling unsatisfied because she struggles to orgasm through penetration alone and needs other forms of sexual contact to get in the mood. After he reaches his climax, his involvement ends, and Lisa is left frustrated, often having to finish herself off after he falls asleep.

Despite him enjoying oral sex performed by her, he rarely reciprocates, citing tiredness. After failed attempts to discuss the issue—where he got offended—Lisa now fears bringing it up again. This selfishness in sex is starting to make her feel fed up and used.

Lisa is worried that at age 32, her window for starting a family is closing. Breaking up seems daunting because she would have to start over, which might take years.

Sally responds by noting that this issue won’t resolve itself and is a poor foundation for a happy marriage. Despite his good qualities, the growing resentment over his selfishness in bed is troubling. However, Sally suggests that maybe the boyfriend isn’t selfish but insecure, possibly due to limited sexual experience or misconceptions from watching porn.

Sally encourages Lisa to stop pretending and start having honest conversations, presenting the problem as a mutual issue that both need to address. It’s best to discuss this outside the bedroom, perhaps during a future planning conversation. Lisa should frame it as wanting to enhance their relationship and sex life together, making it clear she wants a loving, intimate future.

Sally also recommends booking sessions with a sex therapist to help them rebuild their sexual connection. If her boyfriend resists, Lisa should be prepared to attend alone, as his curiosity might eventually lead him to join. The therapist can help them start with non-sexual touching and gradually reintroduce intercourse to build confidence and expand their sexual repertoire.

If he refuses change or engagement, Lisa needs to decide whether she can accept a marriage without addressing these issues. Sally advises not to let biological clock worries force a decision between having children and a fulfilling sex life. It’s possible to have both, but Lisa must be brave and take the necessary steps to achieve it.