Did you find the Fifty Shades Trilogy hard to resist? You’re not alone. We teamed up with BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist Sarah Berry to help you turn those fantasies into reality with our beginner’s guide to BDSM.

Let’s be honest: even though many of us think we’re open-minded, we often keep our sexual lives neatly boxed in. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but sometimes we squash our deepest desires just to fit in. Why do we do this? Sex is always evolving. Back in the 19th century, it was the norm for people to have sex fully clothed, with specially sewn holes for the act. Anything other than the missionary position was taboo, with oral or anal sex even more so.

Today, these acts are just part of regular vanilla sex, and it’s those who enjoy rough sex, kinks, and fetishes who break convention. Could it be that we’re missing out? If you’ve ever thought about spicing up your sex life with something like BDSM but didn’t know where to start, we’ve got insights from BDSM Mistress Madame Caramel and Sex Therapist Sarah Berry to guide you.

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M). For Madame Caramel, as someone soon to be married, she can’t imagine her relationship without BDSM. They incorporate all the elements, with her taking the dominant role and her partner, the submissive.

The bondage and discipline part involves acts where the submissive partner is restrained and trained, similar to everyday acts like covering your partner’s eyes or holding their hands. Restraints can range from simple handcuffs to intricate ones like Shibari, a Japanese form of rope bondage. Discipline focuses more on modifying behavior through punishments, both physical and psychological.

In a BDSM relationship, there are always a dominant and a submissive. The dominant, who could be a male “Dom” or female “Domme,” takes charge, while the submissive, or “sub,” relinquishes control. People often confuse sadism and masochism, which is about pain, with dominance and submission, which is about control. Both can occur in a BDSM relationship, but pain isn’t always necessary.

Once you grasp the basics, it’s time to figure out your role. As Sarah Berry mentions, you can choose to be dominant, submissive, or even switch roles. Some remarkably dominant people in life enjoy being submissive during sex, and vice versa. It’s about discovering what excites you and finding a balance that suits both you and your partner.

BDSM offers a chance to explore fantasies in a safe, trusting environment, which can benefit your mental health and relationship. Still, it doesn’t automatically lead to happiness or fulfillment. Both partners need to be on the same page about wanting to explore this.

Bringing up something new can be intimidating, with thoughts of potential arguments or rejection. But open communication is key to a successful relationship. Madame Caramel emphasizes understanding and discussing desires with your partner.

If discussing BDSM verbally seems daunting, consider nonverbal cues like leaving a suggestive note or watching a related movie together. Start small, as you can always add more later. BDSM should only enhance a relationship if both partners are enthusiastic and not feeling pressured.

So, you’ve talked it over and are on the same wavelength. What’s next? Sarah Berry explains that being kinky doesn’t require expensive outfits, dungeons, or intense acts unless you’re interested in them. You might find you’re already engaging in certain BDSM aspects without realizing it. Toys like handcuffs or even everyday items like dressing gown cords can enhance the experience.

Adopting BDSM might also involve incorporating outfits like latex or leather to get into character. Enhancing suspense with blackout eye patches, gags for nonverbal communication, or paddles and whips for impact play can be fun and discreet.

Madame Caramel and Sarah Berry guide you with tools and advice to embrace BDSM confidently and safely. Most importantly, it’s about having fun and discovering new facets of intimacy together.

Sarah Berry is a Sex & Relationship therapist and an accredited member of COSRT and ATSAC, as well as Pink Therapy. Madame Caramel is a renowned UK Mistress and BDSM educator.